Is Codependence Really A Negative Thing?

Why is it that co-dependence carries such a negative connotation? Is a codependent relationship really such a terrible thing? Of course it is very clear that some people carry the whole codependent attitudes too far, which essentially means that the partners in the relationship are co existing in an unhealthy way.

The word codependent came about when discussing alcoholics and drug addicts. Family who care for addicts and alcoholics are said to be in codependent relationships with the addict. It only becomes unhealthy when the carer of the addict does things for the addict that they can do on their own. For example, an alcoholic vomits all over the floor and his carer cleans it up, He or she should be making the addict clean up their own vomit.

However, there are times when co-dependence is not a bad thing. Codependent couples are extremely loyal to each other, they care for each other, defend each other when someone is putting one of them down and they often will do things for each other out of the goodness of their hearts, nothing more, nothing less. So where do you draw the line when it comes to co-dependence?

This is a couple who are not alcoholics or even addicted to anything at all. They are seemingly healthy physically and mentally, yet they engage in codependent behaviors all the time. If one spouse is covering up something bad that the other spouse did, then perhaps it is codependency on an unhealthy scale, but where we see a marriage of two people who absolutely adore each other and want to do things for each other all the time, I have say what in the heck is wrong with that?

A relationship which is all about two people loving each other, even if their behavior is codependent, simply cannot be a bad thing. There is more about this topic in my article: Pro’s and Con’s of Codependence.

So what do you think? Can a codependent relationship be healthy? Hit the comments with your thoughts and please; no spam and be polite and respectful.

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Copyright 2013 Janelle Coulton - All Rights Reserved

This article cannot be republished or reprinted without the express permission of the author in writing. A short summary with a link back to the article is allowed.

I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex

After a break up it is normal for us to spend most of our time thinking about our ex-lover. We will re-hash the past and what went wrong in our relationships.

We think about the good times and wonder how those good times turned into a break-up. Thinking about your ex too much is not healthy, as this will ultimately interfere with other important aspects of your life.

You Do Need To Grieve 

During the first few weeks after you have broken up, it is totally normal for your ex to be constantly on your mind. To not be thinking about him or her would be extremely unusual. This is the time when you are working through your negative emotions and grieving for the love you have lost. And this process is necessary for your survival.

However, if it has been a few months since the break-up, then it is extremely important that you try to switch off from thinking too much about your ex and relationship that went south. Of course, what I am saying is so much easier said that done. You need an outlet for your thoughts, such as a hobby. Some of us are lucky enough to have plenty of hobbies and activities that they get involved in on a regular basis. It’s time to become a busy bee, and get into your hobbies and interests again. Do you have interests that you are absolutely passionate about? I know that I do; my writing and my music are my great passions in life. This is exactly what you need, because when we are doing what we love the most, we feel great about ourselves.


Obsessing Is Detrimental To Your Recovery

Thinking and obsessing about our ex lover and your relationship too much can become an unhealthy exercise. Perhaps you have a very important job where you need your focus and concentration. One example is my partner – he is a nurse. He hates it when we fight as he is extremely upset and he cannot afford to overwhelmed by his thoughts and emotions as he need to concentrate on the people he looks after. You may be teacher or childcare worker, where you are responsible for other’s welfare. Any job that we do is important in the huge tapestry of life, however this is just one example where you need to be focused on your life and what you need to do each day.


Your Family And Kids Must Come First

Perhaps you are a mum or dad, and the most important thing in life you will ever do in life is raise your children. Your focus will need to be on your kids first and foremost, as they will be just as shattered by the break-up or divorce as you are and you need to tend to their needs. Children suffer most than we know as a result of separation and divorce and need you more than you know. Unfortunately given the amount of hurt and pain you are feeling, you may not see what is right under your nose. The positive of this scenario is you will have more time for your kids and this will indeed bond you together in a very special way. I know from my own experience with divorce that I could have done better for my daughter, she suffered a lot more than she will ever let on as a result of myself and her father separating and divorcing. However, she and I are very close and the best of friends, and the love we share is so unique and special and I treasure it.

Pay attention to your needs and honor them, you have the time to do that now. Your partner may be gone for the time being, but if you use this time wisely to pay look after number one; yourself, you will benefit greatly in the long run.

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Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

Coping With A Sexless Relationship

Are you in a marriage or relationship without sex? The following article shows what will help and what will not.

It is difficult to share a life with someone when there is no intimacy or sexual encounters and going with out sex can be extremely frustrating and can cause much tension and problems in other areas of the marriage. A lack of sex and/or physical affection or intimacy can cause problems that go much deeper.

If this is what is happening in your relationship or marriage then there are some useful tips that you may want to try to resolve the situation and help bring back the emotional closeness between you and your partner. Chances are if the two of you are on the same level emotionally then the sexual fire will start burning bright in your lives once again. Unless you and your spouse have fallen out of love with each other, then there is no reason why this problem can not be solved.

The following ideas are things you can do that will help with your marriage:

• Living each day as it happens and making the most of each day is important. You and your partner must try to get back to the happy place in your marriage. Focusing on the good in each other and learning to appreciate what you love about each other will help to bring you closer and in turn will hopefully lead to closeness in the bedroom.

• Stay as positive as possible. Keep an optimistic attitude to your marriage. Fixing problems in your relationship will not happen if you focus on the negative. Becoming depressed and giving up will not help.

• Keep the lines of communication open. Try to energize your relationship by doing things together that you did in the beginning, like a date night once a week. Sex will come to a halt in relationships because things have gotten stale. Try to do things together and hopefully this will automatically revert to the bedroom.

As with any relationship problem there are many things that will not help the situation. Try and avoid doing the following things as this will make the problem between you so much worse:

• Do not mock your spouse’s lack of sexual interest. It is quite okay to discuss these differences calmly and respectfully but it is never okay to make a mockery of how they feel. Trying to make your spouse feel bad will push you further apart and your sex life will become a distant memory. It is also a wise idea to stop discussing the problem if one or both of you become upset during the discussion.

• Blaming your spouse is ridiculous. And yet this is what normally happens in a relationship where there is no sex. Don’t go down this road; it is pointless, this is no ones fault. Differing sex drives are a fact of life in most relationships. Limited sexual activity is more common than most people realise. Blaming each other will only cause more arguments and the gap between you will grow wider.

• Do not allow the sexual problem take over your relationship. It is very important that you keep this issue separate and not allow it to affect everything else. Focusing on the good in your marriage is what will get you through the bad times. You need to embrace the positives; or you will soon find you are fighting about everything. And when this happens, you will never fix your sexless relationship, because you will both be so unhappy that sex is probably the last thing on your minds.

If the sexual activity in your marriage has dried up then you cannot lose hope. It is up to both of you to work on the problem while keeping in mind that you love and care for each other. If you work together with a positive attitude and with your partner’s best interests in mind it will happen. Your spouse is most likely just as distressed about this issue as you may be and if you love each other then you can do it.

Is He Lying To Me? Click Here To Read More

Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

The Best Revenge

Is revenge on your ex the right way to go given how hurt you feel? No! At  least not in my opinion anyway, however you can feel better just imagining doing some of the horrid deeds to them in the list below.

You’ve been dumped by your partner and you are shattered beyond belief. Feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and humiliation surge through your body as the realization sinks in that the relationship and love you thought you shared with your partner is no more.

Would getting revenge on your now ex lover make you feel better. You bet it would! What kind of revenge would you carry out? There are many different, nasty, horrible tricks you could play to even the score, such as:

• Sand or sugar in their petrol tank
• Weed killer on your ex’s beautiful manicured lawn
• Egging their house or car
• Having their mail re-directed
• Disconnecting their power, gas or phone
• Disabling the hot water service (I had this one done to me)
• Brake fluid poured over their car
• Stealing their letter box
• Dumping garbage on their doorstep.

But, and here’s the big but. Before you get any ideas and go out and put these examples above into action, just think about it for a minute. Doing some of these dirty deeds to your ex may make you feel better, but in the long run what might the eventual fall out be?

How is your ex going to react? They could have you arrested and charged, this would not be good. Your ex will be livid, no doubt about that, which was your intention, to pay them back and make them hurt as much as you do. However, what you need to think about here is how will they perceive you and themselves? If you read my articles regularly you will remember me saying people love themselves more than anything else. Therefore, this type of revenge is going to boost their opinion of themselves and even worse they will feel all powerful and bigheaded, because of how you have reacted to being dumped. Think about it, if you were to carry out one of the nasties above, they will feel great that they have all of this power over you.

The other issue to mull over here is whether you think there is the chance of reconciliation. Would you like to win your lover back? Pulling any kind of nasty vengeful trick will kill that possibility in the blink of an eye. 

So what would be the best form of revenge that you could carry out on your ex? The answer is success, sweet success my friend. Success is definitely the best revenge. Your ex will be expecting you to be moping and pining after them, begging them to return. However, you will be getting on with your life, being happy and independent and they will not like this. If your ex sees that you are happy living you life, almost happy about the break up they will not like it at all. You see, they expect to have more power here, as they dumped you. Not the case if you are showing a happy and positive attitude when you run into them, or their friends.

This is where they are going to start to want you again. This is where they will remember why they fell in love with you in the first place. Who can resist a happy smiling face and a happy attitude to life? This is exactly the image you need to portray to exact the perfect revenge.

If they know that you are missing them and pining after them, that will make them run in the other direction. When you stop and walk the other way and get on with your life in a happy and positive way, this is where the tables will turn in your favour. Curiosity will motivate them to chase you. You may well be in a situation to either choose whether to rekindle the relationship or you could well decide that you are indeed, better off without them.

For more information; read No Contact

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Pop Star Princess Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48; Gone Too Soon The Herald Sun reported earlier today that the body of legendary singer Whitney Houston has been found in a Beverly Hills Hotel. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Mental Health Is Not The Only Concern On Valentine's Day With Valentine's Day coming up it seemed appropriate to discuss how this day can affect relationships and mental health. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Read All Janelle Coulton's Articles at Suite101



Copyright 2012 Janelle Coulton

Stop Blaming And Take Responsibility

We have talked about the many mistakes that people will make after a breakup, especially when they are acting with an intention of winning their lover back. If you have read my previous articles, it is now time to put what you have learned to good use, and stop laying blame. Blaming yourself for the break up is pointless. The past is the past, is cannot be changed no matter how much we would like it changed. Blaming yourself for the mistakes you made within your relationship is pointless too, as it is over and you cannot go back and change it, you can only learn from it. So take responsibility and learn, learn, learn.

To not take responsibility and learn from your mistakes is another mistake we make after a break up. Make a promise to yourself from now on that you will take responsibility and not make any of the mistakes that I have written about in these articles. This is a huge opportunity to develop yourself into a healthier, more positive person. If you keep making the mistakes that have been outlined, then what do think will happen? Nothing, nothing will change until you decide that you are going to do something different, something that may work.

Take responsibility by thinking about what your role was in your relationship. Analyse how you think you may have contributed to the relationship ending and think about how you could fix these problems or behaviours. None of us are shrinking violets, we all have flaws. If we can learn from the mistakes in our relationships then we will know what to watch out for in our future relationships.

With everything in life, every decision we make. We make the choice. We need to take responsibility for the path we choose to follow. Many people will say that it was fate that broke up their last relationship, they will say that is wasn’t meant to be. Is it possible that there might have been things they could have done to fix the problems in their relationship? I believe that fate has very little to do with how our life turns out. We make our own fate, we choose where our life goes. Yes, there are many things we cannot control, but we can for most part be in the driver’s seat when it comes to where we want our life and relationship to end up.

A big plus here that I should mention is that the way we behave largely influences the people closest to us. Meaning if we are usually positive, happy and smiling when we are with people, they will respond in kind. If you wish your ex was a more loving person, my advice is to focus on being more loving yourself to your partner and everyone around you. Your ex may well do exactly what you want him or her to do.

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Read more by Janelle Coulton at Suite101

Pop Star Princess Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48; Gone Too Soon The Herald Sun reported earlier today that the body of legendary singer Whitney Houston has been found in a Beverly Hills Hotel. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Mental Health Is Not The Only Concern On Valentine's Day With Valentine's Day coming up it seemed appropriate to discuss how this day can affect relationships and mental health. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Bad Mouthing The Ex

As tempting as it is to have good venting session and bad mouth your ex lover, it is really not a good idea. This will mostly cause a bad feeling within yourself and could leave you feeling more down and depressed than when you started out with your little vent. If you need to get the anger out; may I suggest a counselor, someone you know you can definitely trust, and there is no chance your ex will ever hear about what you have said.

Given that you are trying to rebuild your life and your self esteem, you will not be wanting to delve into negative talk anyway. Of course it’s going to happen, especially directly after a break up. However if you are working on getting them back, any negative talk is counter-productive.

If you really love your ex partner, you will be above negative talk. You will be focused on the positive aspects of what you can do to salvage the relationship. In previous articles I have advised people to not talk too much to their close friends and family about your lost relationship. They will not be objective. If you start bad mouthing your ex, they will jump right in and join you and back you up, and then months later when you and your ex are back together. Your friends or family could well remember what you said, and call you on it.

Any gossiping or negative talk could somehow reach your ex partner’s ear and that will ruin your chances of reconciliation. If you are planning to try and reconcile the relationship with your lost love, realize now that any malicious talk or gossiping will only create bad feelings and if they get to hear about it, they will feel disrespected and hurt, and rightly so.

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

To read more of Janelle Coulton's articles, Please visit at: JanelleCoulton@Suite101 or you can read other blogs at: Janelle's Blogs



Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

The Power Of Apathy

The word apathy; without a dictionary it is quite hard to define. Disinterested is one word that could describe apathy. Apathy is basically about you looking after you and the people and things that you care about. In other words you cut your partner out of your list of priorities. If your relationship is in the final stages or your partner has already left and you want them back. Learning how to portray an apathetic attitude could be the answer you are looking for.


Becoming apathetic means that you are releasing your emotional and mental attachment to your partner, you let go of the outcome of any situation. You may not realize it now, but you can control your thoughts. You can control your way of thinking and you can definitely control your actions, and actions speak louder than words. Determination and patience to see this out is what you will learn. It is not easy to train yourself to become apathetic, because we cannot predict which emotions will arise in any situation, however apathy is a very powerful thing you can employ to win your ex back and we are all capable of choosing how we will react to our emotions.


With determination and willpower you can achieve anything you desire. We can achieve our goals. Giving up is not an option. It’s all so easy to give up. When you become apathetic, your lost mate will give up on running away. They will wonder what in the heck is going on. When your ex sees this change, this is what may spur them into coming back. They may not want to close that door yet.


Your ex will be expecting you to chase after them. They will be wondering why you are not trying to reconcile, or change their mind about leaving the relationship. If you are portraying an attitude of disinterest, your ex will be wondering what is up with you and they may chase after you to try and spur an emotional reaction. Therefore it is a good idea to release them from your emotions. Cut off all of those ties, and get on with your life. Do not email them, call them, or drive past their house. They will wonder why they haven’t heard from you. This technique is especially good when you have allowed your needy feelings to take control, and these feelings have driven your partner away.


Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton



Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Know If Someone Is Lying
Learn Exactly How To Know When
Someone Is Lying. Guaranteed.
www.BustLiars.com

Pleading with your Ex to Return

This is probably one of the most common mistakes that we tend to make during a break-up is to plead with our lover not to leave us.

To most of us, this action seems so natural and the right thing to do. We also believe that this will attract our lover to return to us. Because we are not thinking clearly, given that we have a broken heart, we may assume that our lover will be flattered by our attention and want to re-kindle the relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case. All it really does is strip us of our dignity.



Pleading and nagging your former lover to return will in-fact drive them further away from you. So you are making an already bad situation much, much worse. Telling them that you will change will not work either, as they will not believe it. Actions speak louder than words. Your ex lover may not want you to change. Their reasons for breaking up with you could be more about them, than it is about you. In most break ups, this is generally the case. This person is not deliberately trying to hurt you. In most break ups, the person leaving is looking for a happier, more positive and peaceful existence and they want their lives to improve. So this is more about them than it is about you. As hard as it is, a break up is usually not personal, even though it feels as though it is. However; sometimes it is about you, and this is a reality we just have to wear during a break-up. The real truth is that break-ups are never one sided. It takes two people to make up and two people to break up.


Arguing with your ex-partner and telling them that they are wrong to save the relationship or using guilt to get them to stay are not going to help you. You would not want someone to stay with your out of guilt. You deserve someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you.


If you find that you are having trouble communicating with your ex, without raising the issue of them returning to the relationship, then you simply must end contact with them. This will certainly not aid you in the process of winning back your lover if that is what you wish to achieve here. You need to back off, respect their decision and give them and yourself some space.


Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton




Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Know If Someone Is Lying
Learn Exactly How To Know When
Someone Is Lying. Guaranteed.
www.BustLiars.com

No Contact

Many people write to me and ask me what “no contact” is and how do you do “no contact”? “No Contact” is a break up strategy that I learned a few years ago when I went through a break up and wanted the man in question back. However, “no contact" is more about taking care of you, and doing “no contact” does more for you in terms of getting your life back on track.

Many people whose partners break up with them would like to stay in constant contact, and they would even like to be friends. But I do not feel that this is a good idea. Being in contact all the time leaves a temptation to ask them to come back to the relationship. This puts pressure on your ex, and this is exactly what you do not want to do. You want them to return of their own free will.

Before I go any further with explaining “no contact” I will say that it will not work for couples with children. If you are going through a divorce/separation or break up and you have children, this strategy will not be effective. You can use it but you must keep some kind of contact happening for your children. Your kids obviously have to come first.

If you were living together, then at the beginning of the break up there will be contact as one of you will be required to move out of the home you are sharing. After he or she has formally moved out, then you begin “no contact” For couples who do not live together, “no contact” should begin the same day they end the relationship. However, I realize that most of you reading this article will have had some contact with your ex lovers. It’s not too late to start now, so go to it.

Do not call him or her, do not write, or email and do not text message. Nothing, no contact means zilch. You then focus on the business of getting your life back together. You will probably not hear from your ex for a while as they may expect you to chase after them, especially if they did the dumping here. However if you do hear from them; here is your strategy. Be polite and short with them, tell them you are busy and wish them a nice day. Tell them you would love to catch up soon. No longer than 5 minutes on the phone, and do not tell them anything about what is happening in your life. Talk to them about them, and make small talk at that.

If they call and leave you a message, return the call, but not straight away. Wait a few days, apologise, say you were busy and then ask them what they wanted. Again keep the call short, tell them you are fine, and you will chat to them soon. You need to create wonder and curiosity in their minds about your life. You need to create a situation where your ex wants to know more about what you are doing in your life. You want them to ask you out. Eventually they probably will, but wait for them to ask, do not approach them to go out anywhere.

This strategy is so effective, I recommend it to just about everyone whose relationship has ended and they want their partners back. For people who have children together, you would obviously have to vary it. You would need to be very discreet about your life with your children, because obviously they will tell the other parent all of what is going on with mum or dad. There should be some kind of agreement in place about when the children call your ex and when your ex can call the children, so that the children’s schedule of bedtime, baths, dinner and so forth is not interrupted.
 “No contact” is so very effective for both you and your ex because it drives them wild with curiosity over what you are doing and more importantly why they have not heard from you. It also gives you that time and space to work at becoming the person you were before the break up and that’s the person you want them to see. Worst case scenario is that you and your partner do not reunite, but you will have forged on ahead with your life and this is a positive thing.

If you are contemplating trying this after reading this article, I wish you all the best. It worked for me and I believe it can work for you.




Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Know If Someone Is Lying
Learn Exactly How To Know When
Someone Is Lying. Guaranteed.
www.BustLiars.com

You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's website: http://jelbaby.webs.com


Read more articles written by Janelle Coulton @ Suite101

Pop Star Princess Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48; Gone Too Soon The Herald Sun reported earlier today that the body of legendary singer Whitney Houston has been found in a Beverly Hills Hotel. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Mental Health Is Not The Only Concern On Valentine's Day With Valentine's Day coming up it seemed appropriate to discuss how this day can affect relationships and mental health. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Stop Your Break Up And Relationship E-books

This is a subject that I have discussed on my website a few times before and it’s one that should be re-visited. With the wide range of relationship E-books available on the online market, it is important to carefully choose the one’s to purchase.

These E-books will promise the prospective customer the earth when it comes to solving their relationship problems. I am here to tell you; buyer beware! Not all of these books can deliver what they say they can.

One point that I raised on the Jel’s Love Lounge homepage recently was about love, real love. When thinking along the lines of wanting that person back into your life, ask yourself: Does this person really love me? Because if they don’t your chances of winning them back into a loving, caring relationship that goes both ways is slim to none, to say the least. And would you want someone who didn’t love you? I don’t think so.

When I went through the same issues three years ago with my long distance lover, I had the chance to get him back. However it came down to two things. Firstly, the fact that I realized just in time that he did not really love me and that I was fooling myself, and secondly there was another man on the horizon who I had become friends with. This is the man that I am living with now, and he loves me like no other man ever has. But I was so very close to making a foolish mistake in taking my ex back. And given the fact, that I now know he never really loved me, I cannot understand why he would even want me back.

I had my doubts from the moment I began employing the strategies in these books, because we were long distance and a fair distance from each other I might add. But one of the books I bought re-assured me that I would be able to succeed even if he was halfway around the world. This particular book was; Cucan Pemo’s “Bring Back the Love of Your Life.” In my case, Pemo’s book worked, however I also had access to several other books and support from a relationship forum which specialized in helping people in a relationship with someone who was commitment phobic, which my ex was. The frustrating part here is I cannot specify which book or website helped me the most, because I used a combination of these and put my own plan into action. However, I would have to say that Cucan Pemo's and Annalyn Cara's E-books' were my top two. I have since read many more books and I have listed them below in order of my preference.


It is a good idea to do some quality surfing of the net and track down as many relationship sites and e-books as you can find. I would then pick out your top five and research them. I know it all sounds too hard, as going through a break up or relationship troubles is tough enough and thinking clearly is the last thing you may be doing at the moment. But, if you want to fix your relationship or if you want your lover back it is in your best interests to get the best information. Below are a few pointers to follow when looking for a relationship advice e-book.

· Grab anything they offer for free and read it thoroughly.

· Email the author and ask questions about their book. Ask a lot of questions.

· Ask the author/s for some relationship advice about your particular situation.

· Sign up for their newsletter. These are always free.


The bottom line is find the book or books that best suit your situation, everyone is different. By this I mean if your husband/wife is leaving you and you have children, doing no contact like some of these books suggest is not going to assist you, as you need to be in friendly contact with your ex for the sake of the children.

The other issue that I should mention is these books will not work for you unless your ex lover truly loves you. The advice in these books may get you back into a relationship with your ex lover, however it will not last very long. Love has to be present for it to last. If you are not sure if your ex ever loved you or loves you now, pay attention to how they treat you and try and remember how you were treated in the past. When times were good, were those times really great? What about the bad times? The bad times are the tell tales signs in any relationship. How a person treats another in bad times will clearly show you whether your ex lover really, truly, loves you. I can’t stress this point enough, when a person really love’s you they will be right beside you in the bad times to help you both get through them. And the sweetest thing about the bad times is; they bring you both closer.

In the end it all boils down to everyone’s individual situation and love sweet love. If I had not woken up and smelt the coffee three years ago. I truly believe my life would not be where it is today. And for that I am will be forever grateful. It can be so easy to fool ourselves into believing that we are loved by our ex mates but sometimes; sadly it is not the case.

In the final wash up it is your choice whether you decide to purchase one of these stop break up manuals to save your relationship or marriage. There are many cases and testimonials that show that the formulas in these books work, however everyone’s situation is different and what I am saying is this; take a good look at your situation and your relationship and do a little research, before you choose to buy one of these books. I have included a list of my top nine at the end of this article.



The following is a list of my favourite relationship repair E-books:



BringBacktheLoveofYourLife

WinBackLove

Get Her Back

12 Simple Rules

SaveYourMarriageToday

KeepYourMarriage

Get Ex Back

50SecretsToABlissfulMarriage

TheRomantic’sCollection

Is Your Partner A Liar?

Know If Someone Is Lying.
Learn Exactly How To Know When
Someone Is Lying. Guaranteed.
www.BustLiars.com

Copyright ©2007, Janelle Coulton

Nice Girls Get Dumped, So Be A Little Bit Bad

Just like every other time I’ve written an article or an essay, this time is no different. I’m sitting here, trying to put words on the paper and taking it all too seriously. When I do this I know I am trying too hard and when I try too hard, I inevitably screw things up. You would think that the opposite would be true. Unfortunately as hard as we work at something, the pay off is sometimes not worth all the effort. Now that sounds shockingly negative and it's not meant to; but it's true, sometimes trying to hard can ruin things.

While this concept applies to my passion for writing, it also applies to women, dating and relationships. Nice, caring, nurturing women whose first priority is not themselves, but usually their man. We as women usually want to please everyone and we try to do so, only to fail miserably in the end. Why is it that so many seemingly nice women get dumped all the time? The answer is we are too damned nice. The quote “nice guys finish last" also applies to women.

If I had a dollar for every nice woman gets dumped story I have heard or seen first hand, I’d be rich as well as single, which wouldn’t be so bad. Seemingly theirs' and my only sin was that we as women were too nice, understanding, caring or whatever; you get the picture. It’s hard to believe that women can be kicked to the kerb for being too nice.

The thing is relationships are part of a woman’s identity, which is why we work so hard at them. We can’t help it. It is natural for us to do this. What is not so natural is to work at being just a little bit bad here. Now ladies, I am not advocating nastiness or bitchiness here, even though we would all agree that some men need a bloody good smack. What I am advocating is a lot more love towards ourselves and our own lives and a little game of hard to get. He doesn’t get to have all the goodies all at once. Most of these casualties happen within the first three months. This is where the ambivalence begins to fester inside a man. You can quite clearly see when a woman’s relationship with a man is on the rocks. She will call home to check her messages. She will break plans with family and friends just to see him. She will do most of the chasing. She will drive herself crazy with wonder about what he is doing and why he has not called.

All that a woman can do at this point is to stop. Stop calling, stop thinking about him, stop whining and make a date with someone new. If he is really that interested, he will come running and if you never see him again, good riddance girls, he’s not interested. He might want a little action late on a Friday night and may ask you to come over. Don’t do it. You are not on call for a roll in the hay whenever the mood takes him. You have much higher standards than that. I have seen relationships end like this after years of the couple being together. I, myself encountered a man’s ambivalent bullshit, only to be kicked to the kerb after two and a half years. He said that he was not sure anymore. Truthfully girls, it was my fault. I was too nice and I became the proverbial doormat. The signs were there but I ignored all of them in the name of love, sweet love. I was with a man who, one night was expressing his undying love and commitment to me and then the next day he is yelling “You don’t own me!" down the telephone line. That should have been my wake up call, as he was basically saying “I’m here for a good time, not a long time," or “I am a commitment phobic asshole."

In all fairness though and particularly to the man whom I am referring to, (he will know who he is should he ever read this) he really did love me and still does, however like most commitment phobic people, he could not deal with the intensity of my love for him (moral of that story, stay away from commitment-phobes). I was the nice girl you would take home to meet mummy, I got on well with his parents, I did all of that doormat behaviour, and I put up with the in-laws crap. Bottom line was, he was a commitment phobe and he did not want passionate sex with his mother and judging myself on my doormat behaviour I guess I became that image. In the final six months I began to wise up, fortunately for me, so did he. He decided that his commitment phobia was a terminal illness. So it was sayonara sweetie.

The biggest revelation was that I was too nice, I needed to love myself more, and I must realise that men love women who aren’t so nice to them. So my suggestion to all women is to become more involved with who you are and what you want in life. When we as women assert ourselves out there in the real world, many men see us as bitches, however this also turns a man on and eventually they fall in love with the whole, she isn’t so wrapped up in me, she takes care of herself. They’ll get a hard on just thinking about how interested and focused you are on your own life. Act like an agreeable doormat, and he’ll be gone. Men love the chase, the cat and mouse game that we hate. They invented it, it turns them on. Why deprive them, it would be quite selfish of us not to indulge our man in something he loves so much.

Relationships, dating, commitment and marriage are a pretty serious business and dating with the intention of finding Mr Right can be a mixed bag of emotional bullshit. However, it is the seriousness of it all that leads to women trying too hard. At the beginning of this essay I spoke about trying too hard, and screwing it all up. I think we should all lighten up and approach this dating/relationship stuff with a sense of humour. Most importantly remember people always want what they can’t have, it’s human nature and that goes for both women and men so let the games begin.




Endnote: I wrote this when I was pretty hurt and emotional and my attempt was to make it comical, I would love some feedback. Chat with me on Twitter or Facebook or have your say in the comments box.

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Copyright 2006 Janelle Coulton