Stop Blaming And Take Responsibility

We have talked about the many mistakes that people will make after a breakup, especially when they are acting with an intention of winning their lover back. If you have read my previous articles, it is now time to put what you have learned to good use, and stop laying blame. Blaming yourself for the break up is pointless. The past is the past, is cannot be changed no matter how much we would like it changed. Blaming yourself for the mistakes you made within your relationship is pointless too, as it is over and you cannot go back and change it, you can only learn from it. So take responsibility and learn, learn, learn.

To not take responsibility and learn from your mistakes is another mistake we make after a break up. Make a promise to yourself from now on that you will take responsibility and not make any of the mistakes that I have written about in these articles. This is a huge opportunity to develop yourself into a healthier, more positive person. If you keep making the mistakes that have been outlined, then what do think will happen? Nothing, nothing will change until you decide that you are going to do something different, something that may work.

Take responsibility by thinking about what your role was in your relationship. Analyse how you think you may have contributed to the relationship ending and think about how you could fix these problems or behaviours. None of us are shrinking violets, we all have flaws. If we can learn from the mistakes in our relationships then we will know what to watch out for in our future relationships.

With everything in life, every decision we make. We make the choice. We need to take responsibility for the path we choose to follow. Many people will say that it was fate that broke up their last relationship, they will say that is wasn’t meant to be. Is it possible that there might have been things they could have done to fix the problems in their relationship? I believe that fate has very little to do with how our life turns out. We make our own fate, we choose where our life goes. Yes, there are many things we cannot control, but we can for most part be in the driver’s seat when it comes to where we want our life and relationship to end up.

A big plus here that I should mention is that the way we behave largely influences the people closest to us. Meaning if we are usually positive, happy and smiling when we are with people, they will respond in kind. If you wish your ex was a more loving person, my advice is to focus on being more loving yourself to your partner and everyone around you. Your ex may well do exactly what you want him or her to do.

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

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Bad Mouthing The Ex

As tempting as it is to have good venting session and bad mouth your ex lover, it is really not a good idea. This will mostly cause a bad feeling within yourself and could leave you feeling more down and depressed than when you started out with your little vent. If you need to get the anger out; may I suggest a counselor, someone you know you can definitely trust, and there is no chance your ex will ever hear about what you have said.

Given that you are trying to rebuild your life and your self esteem, you will not be wanting to delve into negative talk anyway. Of course it’s going to happen, especially directly after a break up. However if you are working on getting them back, any negative talk is counter-productive.

If you really love your ex partner, you will be above negative talk. You will be focused on the positive aspects of what you can do to salvage the relationship. In previous articles I have advised people to not talk too much to their close friends and family about your lost relationship. They will not be objective. If you start bad mouthing your ex, they will jump right in and join you and back you up, and then months later when you and your ex are back together. Your friends or family could well remember what you said, and call you on it.

Any gossiping or negative talk could somehow reach your ex partner’s ear and that will ruin your chances of reconciliation. If you are planning to try and reconcile the relationship with your lost love, realize now that any malicious talk or gossiping will only create bad feelings and if they get to hear about it, they will feel disrespected and hurt, and rightly so.

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Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Pleading with your Ex to Return

This is probably one of the most common mistakes that we tend to make during a break-up is to plead with our lover not to leave us.

To most of us, this action seems so natural and the right thing to do. We also believe that this will attract our lover to return to us. Because we are not thinking clearly, given that we have a broken heart, we may assume that our lover will be flattered by our attention and want to re-kindle the relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case. All it really does is strip us of our dignity.



Pleading and nagging your former lover to return will in-fact drive them further away from you. So you are making an already bad situation much, much worse. Telling them that you will change will not work either, as they will not believe it. Actions speak louder than words. Your ex lover may not want you to change. Their reasons for breaking up with you could be more about them, than it is about you. In most break ups, this is generally the case. This person is not deliberately trying to hurt you. In most break ups, the person leaving is looking for a happier, more positive and peaceful existence and they want their lives to improve. So this is more about them than it is about you. As hard as it is, a break up is usually not personal, even though it feels as though it is. However; sometimes it is about you, and this is a reality we just have to wear during a break-up. The real truth is that break-ups are never one sided. It takes two people to make up and two people to break up.


Arguing with your ex-partner and telling them that they are wrong to save the relationship or using guilt to get them to stay are not going to help you. You would not want someone to stay with your out of guilt. You deserve someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you.


If you find that you are having trouble communicating with your ex, without raising the issue of them returning to the relationship, then you simply must end contact with them. This will certainly not aid you in the process of winning back your lover if that is what you wish to achieve here. You need to back off, respect their decision and give them and yourself some space.


Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton




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No Contact

Many people write to me and ask me what “no contact” is and how do you do “no contact”? “No Contact” is a break up strategy that I learned a few years ago when I went through a break up and wanted the man in question back. However, “no contact" is more about taking care of you, and doing “no contact” does more for you in terms of getting your life back on track.

Many people whose partners break up with them would like to stay in constant contact, and they would even like to be friends. But I do not feel that this is a good idea. Being in contact all the time leaves a temptation to ask them to come back to the relationship. This puts pressure on your ex, and this is exactly what you do not want to do. You want them to return of their own free will.

Before I go any further with explaining “no contact” I will say that it will not work for couples with children. If you are going through a divorce/separation or break up and you have children, this strategy will not be effective. You can use it but you must keep some kind of contact happening for your children. Your kids obviously have to come first.

If you were living together, then at the beginning of the break up there will be contact as one of you will be required to move out of the home you are sharing. After he or she has formally moved out, then you begin “no contact” For couples who do not live together, “no contact” should begin the same day they end the relationship. However, I realize that most of you reading this article will have had some contact with your ex lovers. It’s not too late to start now, so go to it.

Do not call him or her, do not write, or email and do not text message. Nothing, no contact means zilch. You then focus on the business of getting your life back together. You will probably not hear from your ex for a while as they may expect you to chase after them, especially if they did the dumping here. However if you do hear from them; here is your strategy. Be polite and short with them, tell them you are busy and wish them a nice day. Tell them you would love to catch up soon. No longer than 5 minutes on the phone, and do not tell them anything about what is happening in your life. Talk to them about them, and make small talk at that.

If they call and leave you a message, return the call, but not straight away. Wait a few days, apologise, say you were busy and then ask them what they wanted. Again keep the call short, tell them you are fine, and you will chat to them soon. You need to create wonder and curiosity in their minds about your life. You need to create a situation where your ex wants to know more about what you are doing in your life. You want them to ask you out. Eventually they probably will, but wait for them to ask, do not approach them to go out anywhere.

This strategy is so effective, I recommend it to just about everyone whose relationship has ended and they want their partners back. For people who have children together, you would obviously have to vary it. You would need to be very discreet about your life with your children, because obviously they will tell the other parent all of what is going on with mum or dad. There should be some kind of agreement in place about when the children call your ex and when your ex can call the children, so that the children’s schedule of bedtime, baths, dinner and so forth is not interrupted.
 “No contact” is so very effective for both you and your ex because it drives them wild with curiosity over what you are doing and more importantly why they have not heard from you. It also gives you that time and space to work at becoming the person you were before the break up and that’s the person you want them to see. Worst case scenario is that you and your partner do not reunite, but you will have forged on ahead with your life and this is a positive thing.

If you are contemplating trying this after reading this article, I wish you all the best. It worked for me and I believe it can work for you.




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Read more articles written by Janelle Coulton @ Suite101

Pop Star Princess Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48; Gone Too Soon The Herald Sun reported earlier today that the body of legendary singer Whitney Houston has been found in a Beverly Hills Hotel. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Mental Health Is Not The Only Concern On Valentine's Day With Valentine's Day coming up it seemed appropriate to discuss how this day can affect relationships and mental health. Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Objectivity After A Break-up

It is so very hard to be objective when we have had our heart broken. Your lover tells you the relationship is over and understandably you fall to pieces. How is it possible to be objective? This is not easy.

It is a fact that as human beings we love ourselves more than anyone or anything else. Looking out for number one is necessary to survive. Whilst in a relationship, you will naturally look out for the other person more than ourselves, you put your lover first. And given that the other partner in the relationship does the same, then you can enjoy a happy and positive existence together.

Once the relationship is over, you will immediately revert to looking after yourself. This behaviour is natural when we feel hurt and angry. We suffer rejection and sadness and many other emotions. This is why you will feel it is almost impossible to remain objective.

Having said that; if you are hoping to win back your lover it is very important to attempt to see things objectively. Showing respect for your partner’s decision, even if you do not agree with him or her is a big start. Your emotions and feelings may be turned upside down and inside out, however it is vital that you remain calm and think about the break up from both sides of the argument. If you find it impossible to be objective, then this will lead to you making many stupid mistakes. If your goal is to win your back your ex, then these mistakes will cost you dearly.

One idea you should try is to seek advice from someone you trust who can be objective. Tell this person you need their honesty and not to worry about hurting your feelings. People on the outside can see the situation a lot more clearly as they are emotionally tied to the situation.

Sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the pros and cons of your relationship. Write down what you feel your mistakes were and the other persons, and try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Every night before your go to bed, look deep into your soul and ask yourself what behaviours led to your partner ending the relationship. Focus on becoming more positive, and changing these behaviour so that you can begin to re-build your self-esteem and become a more positive person.

It is these above actions that will start the ball rolling to winning your lover back. Not to mention that you will also benefit by becoming a healthy, positive and happier person, someone that your ex will want to fall in love with all over again.



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Copyright ©2007 Janelle Coulton

Arguing – A Pointless Exercise

You are feeling a great amount of emotions and feelings. These emotions could include; anger, sadness, jealousy, guilt, and rejection, just to name a few. Your heart is broken, your self esteem is shattered and you believe that your now, ex lover is wrong. You believe that they have made the wrong decision and judged you and the relationship too harshly. When we feel unjustly treated our natural action is to defend ourselves by arguing our point of view with our partner.

Believe me when I tell you, this is a pointless exercise that will not endear you to your lost love. It is almost, if not totally impossible to win an argument after a break up. Emotions and feelings from both partners are at breaking point and that protective wall that we build around ourselves when we are hurt goes up. No-one is going to win this argument, as both of you are going to have very differing points of view and so soon after a break up, it is going to be impossible to make your point seem valid to the other person. When it comes to arguments in general, I believe no-one really wins, especially if a compromise or resolution is not reached. This to me, means that one partner loses and the other wins. In which case, the relationship loses. You will not be able to convince your partner that they are wrong immediately after a break up.

This is a no win situation, and you would do well to not get into any sort of argument with your ex. Your goal is to win them back, which is why you are reading these articles. Arguing right and wrong with them will ultimately push them further away from you. It is a natural reaction to argue and defend our point of view and I don’t blame you for feeling like arguing with your partner, given you are feeling devastated inside. However, you need to realize that you will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.

If you can sense an argument brewing, walk away. Tell your ex-partner you do not wish to discuss the matter. There will be a time in the future when you and your partner will be in contact again, and you will be feeling a lot more positive and have a different attitude, you partner will see you in a totally different light and it will be these elements that will attract your partner, and remind them why they fell in love with you in the first place.



Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove




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Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

So You Want Your Ex-Lover Back

It is so very important that you take some time for yourself, take a breather and stop and take stock of the situation and your feelings before you make the decision to chase after your ex and try to win them back. Your decisions must be based on logic and not emotion. You must take a good look at yourself and the relationship and what it brought to your life before you rush in and start the process of trying to get your ex back.

Asking yourself why you want them back is a good start. You need to understand your feelings and thoughts and be honest about whether you really want this person in life on a permanent basis. It is important that you do not rush this. You will get to the truth the longer you spend alone with your thoughts. You need to look deep inside yourself and be honest about your feelings. Do you really love them, or are you just lonely? This is an easy mistake to make. Missing that person can make you falsely believe you love them, when in-fact you are just lonely and this is not a good enough reason to re-kindle a relationship. If you just miss them, then consider getting yourself a life and finding a partner whom you truly love with all of your heart.

Looking at what went wrong in the relationship is paramount in this situation. If you don’t explore why he or she broke up the relationship, you will not be able to repair the relationship, for example; if your partner told you that they felt taken for granted and that there was not enough affection and love within the relationship, you will need to rectify this problem. You will need to consider changing this about yourself. The relationship will not survive a second go around if you are not prepared to learn from your mistakes, change your behaviour and grow within the relationship. This is why we have relationships, to learn, change and grow. They have dumped you, and they have done this for a reason, chances are it is mostly you who will need to make the changes here necessary for the relationship to flourish.

Once you have worked through the above suggestions, it would be a good idea to set up a meeting, if you feel ready. If not give yourself some more time. Do you feel ready to make the effort to get this relationship back on track? If so, call your ex-lover and them to meet for coffee. Chances are they will agree, especially if your relationship was very special to both of you. Tell them about the work that you have done and the conclusions that you have drawn and explain what is going to change. If your lover still has feelings for you, there is a very good chance that this will work. Nothing in life is ever certain however, to give up on someone that you really love who could possibly be in your life again is worth the risk.

Stick to your promises, and keep your word. Make your actions mimic your words. You have decided to give your relationship a second try, so you must be true to your word and make a committed effort to see it through. Portraying the person you promised to be to your lost love is your top priority. Your relationship will work, as long as you remain true to your words and yourself.

Getting your ex lover back is really not so difficult, providing you both feel the same way about each other. This is a process we go through when we want something bad enough. Your ex will notice the changes in you and the relationship and they will appreciate the effort you are making. So in the end it all becomes worthwhile to dedicate all you can to sustain your relationship. I wish you all the best.


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Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Getting Dumped

Some of us are lucky and have never been through a break-up. However, most of us have been through the pain of being dumped and the pain we feel as the result of a broken heart can leave some of us devastated and unable to contemplate the risk of a relationship ever again. Yet, there are some of us who pick ourselves up and get on with it. We are all different in how emotional pain affects us.

We will at some stage grieve for our lost lover, however the ways in which we choose to grieve can be different for each individual. Some people will swear off love forever, choosing to let fear run their decisions and emotions. Some will begin to date almost immediately and some may concoct a plan to retrieve their lover. Of those who choose to go down the road of winning their lover back, this decision requires careful thought.

It depends on how the relationship ended and the reason the relationship ended. In most relationships it is usually both partners who make or break the relationship. In some cases I have known people to have been dumped by their partner and not be given a reason. You may well ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who leaves you without any kind of explanation. This shows a definite flaw in the communication style of the relationship, meaning the communication was not good. Relationships with poor communication do not last. So firstly, ask yourself if you really want this person, or are you suffering from loneliness or a fear of being alone.

You should also being asking yourself if this person really loves you. I cannot stress this point enough. There is nothing to be gained if your partner does not really love you and chances are you will no succeed in your quest to retrieve their love. I am a true believer that love does not die, it only goes stale. However if a relationship is neglected for a long period of time, the love can be extremely hard to re-kindle.

Were you looking out for yourself in this relationship as well as your partner? It is true that we look out for our lover more than ourselves, but you should not be giving your all to your partner and neglecting yourself. And your partner should not be allowing you to neglect yourself either. If they were, then this really is not the sort of person you need in life. Chances are they were neglecting you and leaving you to carry the load in the relationship. When two people love each other, they take care of each other and help each other. Was this happening in your relationship? If your partner broke up with you, then it is likely that looking after each other was not a priority in your relationship.

Finally it is very easy to lay blame at your partners feet for the flaws in your relationship and the fact that he or she broke your heart. This kind of thinking is pointless and will not achieve anything. You would do better to let go of blame and move towards re-building your life and self esteem. It is only when you can once again be a happy, positive person (the person your ex fell in love with) that you will succeed in winning your lover back.



Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton



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