Saturday, October 5, 2013

Is Codependence Really A Negative Thing?

Why is it that co-dependence carries such a negative connotation? Is a codependent relationship really such a terrible thing? Of course it is very clear that some people carry the whole codependent attitudes too far, which essentially means that the partners in the relationship are co existing in an unhealthy way.

The word codependent came about when discussing alcoholics and drug addicts. Family who care for addicts and alcoholics are said to be in codependent relationships with the addict. It only becomes unhealthy when the carer of the addict does things for the addict that they can do on their own. For example, an alcoholic vomits all over the floor and his carer cleans it up, He or she should be making the addict clean up their own vomit.

However, there are times when co-dependence is not a bad thing. Codependent couples are extremely loyal to each other, they care for each other, defend each other when someone is putting one of them down and they often will do things for each other out of the goodness of their hearts, nothing more, nothing less. So where do you draw the line when it comes to co-dependence?

This is a couple who are not alcoholics or even addicted to anything at all. They are seemingly healthy physically and mentally, yet they engage in codependent behaviors all the time. If one spouse is covering up something bad that the other spouse did, then perhaps it is codependency on an unhealthy scale, but where we see a marriage of two people who absolutely adore each other and want to do things for each other all the time, I have say what in the heck is wrong with that?

A relationship which is all about two people loving each other, even if their behavior is codependent, simply cannot be a bad thing. There is more about this topic in my article: Pro’s and Con’s of Codependence.

So what do you think? Can a codependent relationship be healthy? Hit the comments with your thoughts and please; no spam and be polite and respectful.

Copyright 2013 Janelle Coulton - All Rights Reserved

This article cannot be republished or reprinted without the express permission of the author in writing. A short summary with a link back to the article is allowed.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex

After a break up it is normal for us to spend most of our time thinking about our ex-lover. We will re-hash the past and what went wrong in our relationships.

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We think about the good times and wonder how those good times turned into a break-up. Thinking about your ex too much is not healthy, as this will ultimately interfere with other important aspects of your life.

You Do Need To Grieve 

During the first few weeks after you have broken up, it is totally normal for your ex to be constantly on your mind. To not be thinking about him or her would be extremely unusual. This is the time when you are working through your negative emotions and grieving for the love you have lost. And this process is necessary for your survival.

However, if it has been a few months since the break-up, then it is extremely important that you try to switch off from thinking too much about your ex and relationship that went south. Of course, what I am saying is so much easier said that done. You need an outlet for your thoughts, such as a hobby. Some of us are lucky enough to have plenty of hobbies and activities that they get involved in on a regular basis. It’s time to become a busy bee, and get into your hobbies and interests again. Do you have interests that you are absolutely passionate about? I know that I do; my writing and my music are my great passions in life. This is exactly what you need, because when we are doing what we love the most, we feel great about ourselves.

Obsessing Is Detrimental To Your Recovery

Thinking and obsessing about our ex lover and your relationship too much can become an unhealthy exercise. Perhaps you have a very important job where you need your focus and concentration. One example is my partner – he is a nurse. He hates it when we fight as he is extremely upset and he cannot afford to overwhelmed by his thoughts and emotions as he need to concentrate on the people he looks after. You may be teacher or childcare worker, where you are responsible for other’s welfare. Any job that we do is important in the huge tapestry of life, however this is just one example where you need to be focused on your life and what you need to do each day.

Your Family And Kids Must Come First

Perhaps you are a mum or dad, and the most important thing in life you will ever do in life is raise your children. Your focus will need to be on your kids first and foremost, as they will be just as shattered by the break-up or divorce as you are and you need to tend to their needs. Children suffer most than we know as a result of separation and divorce and need you more than you know. Unfortunately given the amount of hurt and pain you are feeling, you may not see what is right under your nose. The positive of this scenario is you will have more time for your kids and this will indeed bond you together in a very special way. I know from my own experience with divorce that I could have done better for my daughter, she suffered a lot more than she will ever let on as a result of myself and her father separating and divorcing. However, she and I are very close and the best of friends, and the love we share is so unique and special and I treasure it.

Pay attention to your needs and honor them, you have the time to do that now. Your partner may be gone for the time being, but if you use this time wisely to pay look after number one; yourself, you will benefit greatly in the long run.

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Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Coping With A Sexless Relationship

Are you in a marriage or relationship without sex? The following article shows what will help and what will not.

It is difficult to share a life with someone when there is no intimacy or sexual encounters and going with out sex can be extremely frustrating and can cause much tension and problems in other areas of the marriage. A lack of sex and/or physical affection or intimacy can cause problems that go much deeper.

If this is what is happening in your relationship or marriage then there are some useful tips that you may want to try to resolve the situation and help bring back the emotional closeness between you and your partner. Chances are if the two of you are on the same level emotionally then the sexual fire will start burning bright in your lives once again. Unless you and your spouse have fallen out of love with each other, then there is no reason why this problem can not be solved.

The following ideas are things you can do that will help with your marriage:

  • Living each day as it happens and making the most of each day is important. You and your partner must try to get back to the happy place in your marriage. Focusing on the good in each other and learning to appreciate what you love about each other will help to bring you closer and in turn will hopefully lead to closeness in the bedroom.
  • Stay as positive as possible. Keep an optimistic attitude to your marriage. Fixing problems in your relationship will not happen if you focus on the negative. Becoming depressed and giving up will not help.
  • Keep the lines of communication open. Try to energize your relationship by doing things together that you did in the beginning, like a date night once a week. Sex will come to a halt in relationships because things have gotten stale. Try to do things together and hopefully this will automatically revert to the bedroom.

As with any relationship problem there are many things that will not help the situation. Try and avoid doing the following things as this will make the problem between you so much worse:

  • Do not mock your spouse’s lack of sexual interest. It is quite okay to discuss these differences calmly and respectfully but it is never okay to make a mockery of how they feel. Trying to make your spouse feel bad will push you further apart and your sex life will become a distant memory. It is also a wise idea to stop discussing the problem if one or both of you become upset during the discussion.
  • Blaming your spouse is ridiculous. And yet this is what normally happens in a relationship where there is no sex. Don’t go down this road; it is pointless, this is no ones fault. Differing sex drives are a fact of life in most relationships. Limited sexual activity is more common than most people realise. Blaming each other will only cause more arguments and the gap between you will grow wider.
  • Do not allow the sexual problem take over your relationship. It is very important that you keep this issue separate and not allow it to affect everything else. Focusing on the good in your marriage is what will get you through the bad times. You need to embrace the positives; or you will soon find you are fighting about everything. And when this happens, you will never fix your sexless relationship, because you will both be so unhappy that sex is probably the last thing on your minds.

If the sexual activity in your marriage has dried up then you cannot lose hope. It is up to both of you to work on the problem while keeping in mind that you love and care for each other. If you work together with a positive attitude and with your partner’s best interests in mind it will happen. Your spouse is most likely just as distressed about this issue as you may be and if you love each other then you can do it.

Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Best Revenge

Is revenge on your ex the right way to go given how hurt you feel? No! At  least not in my opinion anyway, however you can feel better just imagining doing some of the horrid deeds to them in the list below.

You’ve been dumped by your partner and you are shattered beyond belief. Feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and humiliation surge through your body as the realization sinks in that the relationship and love you thought you shared with your partner is no more.

Would getting revenge on your now ex lover make you feel better. You bet it would! What kind of revenge would you carry out? There are many different, nasty, horrible tricks you could play to even the score, such as:

  • Sand or sugar in their petrol tank
  • Weed killer on your ex’s beautiful manicured lawn
  • Egging their house or car
  • Having their mail re-directed
  • Disconnecting their power, gas or phone
  • Disabling the hot water service (I had this one done to me)
  • Brake fluid poured over their car
  • Stealing their letter box
  • Dumping garbage on their doorstep.

But, and here’s the big but. Before you get any ideas and go out and put these examples above into action, just think about it for a minute. Doing some of these dirty deeds to your ex may make you feel better, but in the long run what might the eventual fall out be?

How is your ex going to react? They could have you arrested and charged, this would not be good. Your ex will be livid, no doubt about that, which was your intention, to pay them back and make them hurt as much as you do. However, what you need to think about here is how will they perceive you and themselves? If you read my articles regularly you will remember me saying people love themselves more than anything else. Therefore, this type of revenge is going to boost their opinion of themselves and even worse they will feel all powerful and bigheaded, because of how you have reacted to being dumped. Think about it, if you were to carry out one of the nasties above, they will feel great that they have all of this power over you.

The other issue to mull over here is whether you think there is the chance of reconciliation. Would you like to win your lover back? Pulling any kind of nasty vengeful trick will kill that possibility in the blink of an eye. 

So what would be the best form of revenge that you could carry out on your ex? The answer is success, sweet success my friend. Success is definitely the best revenge. Your ex will be expecting you to be moping and pining after them, begging them to return. However, you will be getting on with your life, being happy and independent and they will not like this. If your ex sees that you are happy living you life, almost happy about the break up they will not like it at all. You see, they expect to have more power here, as they dumped you. Not the case if you are showing a happy and positive attitude when you run into them, or their friends.

This is where they are going to start to want you again. This is where they will remember why they fell in love with you in the first place. Who can resist a happy smiling face and a happy attitude to life? This is exactly the image you need to portray to exact the perfect revenge.

If they know that you are missing them and pining after them, that will make them run in the other direction. When you stop and walk the other way and get on with your life in a happy and positive way, this is where the tables will turn in your favour. Curiosity will motivate them to chase you. You may well be in a situation to either choose whether to rekindle the relationship or you could well decide that you are indeed, better off without them.

For more information; read No Contact

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Pop Star Princess Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48; Gone Too Soon
The Herald Sun reported earlier today that the body of legendary singer Whitney Houston has been found in a Beverly Hills Hotel.
Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Mental Health Is Not The Only Concern On Valentine's Day
With Valentine's Day coming up it seemed appropriate to discuss how this day can affect relationships and mental health.
Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Read All Janelle Coulton's Articles at Suite101

Copyright 2012 Janelle Coulton

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Stop Blaming And Take Responsibility

We have talked about the many mistakes that people will make after a breakup, especially when they are acting with an intention of winning their lover back. If you have read my previous articles, it is now time to put what you have learned to good use, and stop laying blame. Blaming yourself for the break up is pointless. The past is the past, is cannot be changed no matter how much we would like it changed. Blaming yourself for the mistakes you made within your relationship is pointless too, as it is over and you cannot go back and change it, you can only learn from it. So take responsibility and learn, learn, learn.

To not take responsibility and learn from your mistakes is another mistake we make after a break up. Make a promise to yourself from now on that you will take responsibility and not make any of the mistakes that I have written about in these articles. This is a huge opportunity to develop yourself into a healthier, more positive person. If you keep making the mistakes that have been outlined, then what do think will happen? Nothing, nothing will change until you decide that you are going to do something different, something that may work.

Take responsibility by thinking about what your role was in your relationship. Analyse how you think you may have contributed to the relationship ending and think about how you could fix these problems or behaviours. None of us are shrinking violets, we all have flaws. If we can learn from the mistakes in our relationships then we will know what to watch out for in our future relationships.

With everything in life, every decision we make. We make the choice. We need to take responsibility for the path we choose to follow. Many people will say that it was fate that broke up their last relationship, they will say that is wasn’t meant to be. Is it possible that there might have been things they could have done to fix the problems in their relationship? I believe that fate has very little to do with how our life turns out. We make our own fate, we choose where our life goes. Yes, there are many things we cannot control, but we can for most part be in the driver’s seat when it comes to where we want our life and relationship to end up.

A big plus here that I should mention is that the way we behave largely influences the people closest to us. Meaning if we are usually positive, happy and smiling when we are with people, they will respond in kind. If you wish your ex was a more loving person, my advice is to focus on being more loving yourself to your partner and everyone around you. Your ex may well do exactly what you want him or her to do.

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Read more by Janelle Coulton at Suite101

Pop Star Princess Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48; Gone Too Soon
The Herald Sun reported earlier today that the body of legendary singer Whitney Houston has been found in a Beverly Hills Hotel.
Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Mental Health Is Not The Only Concern On Valentine's Day
With Valentine's Day coming up it seemed appropriate to discuss how this day can affect relationships and mental health.
Feb 11, 2012 - Janelle Coulton

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Bad Mouthing The Ex

As tempting as it is to have good venting session and bad mouth your ex lover, it is really not a good idea. This will mostly cause a bad feeling within yourself and could leave you feeling more down and depressed than when you started out with your little vent. If you need to get the anger out; may I suggest a counselor, someone you know you can definitely trust, and there is no chance your ex will ever hear about what you have said.

Given that you are trying to rebuild your life and your self esteem, you will not be wanting to delve into negative talk anyway. Of course it’s going to happen, especially directly after a break up. However if you are working on getting them back, any negative talk is counter-productive.

If you really love your ex partner, you will be above negative talk. You will be focused on the positive aspects of what you can do to salvage the relationship. In previous articles I have advised people to not talk too much to their close friends and family about your lost relationship. They will not be objective. If you start bad mouthing your ex, they will jump right in and join you and back you up, and then months later when you and your ex are back together. Your friends or family could well remember what you said, and call you on it.

Any gossiping or negative talk could somehow reach your ex partner’s ear and that will ruin your chances of reconciliation. If you are planning to try and reconcile the relationship with your lost love, realize now that any malicious talk or gossiping will only create bad feelings and if they get to hear about it, they will feel disrespected and hurt, and rightly so.

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

To read more of Janelle Coulton's articles, Please visit at: JanelleCoulton@Suite101 or you can read other blogs at: Janelle's Blogs

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Power Of Apathy

The word apathy; without a dictionary it is quite hard to define. Disinterested is one word that could describe apathy. Apathy is basically about you looking after you and the people and things that you care about. In other words you cut your partner out of your list of priorities. If your relationship is in the final stages or your partner has already left and you want them back. Learning how to portray an apathetic attitude could be the answer you are looking for.

Becoming apathetic means that you are releasing your emotional and mental attachment to your partner, you let go of the outcome of any situation. You may not realize it now, but you can control your thoughts. You can control your way of thinking and you can definitely control your actions, and actions speak louder than words. Determination and patience to see this out is what you will learn. It is not easy to train yourself to become apathetic, because we cannot predict which emotions will arise in any situation, however apathy is a very powerful thing you can employ to win your ex back and we are all capable of choosing how we will react to our emotions.

With determination and willpower you can achieve anything you desire. We can achieve our goals. Giving up is not an option. It’s all so easy to give up. When you become apathetic, your lost mate will give up on running away. They will wonder what in the heck is going on. When your ex sees this change, this is what may spur them into coming back. They may not want to close that door yet.

Your ex will be expecting you to chase after them. They will be wondering why you are not trying to reconcile, or change their mind about leaving the relationship. If you are portraying an attitude of disinterest, your ex will be wondering what is up with you and they may chase after you to try and spur an emotional reaction. Therefore it is a good idea to release them from your emotions. Cut off all of those ties, and get on with your life. Do not email them, call them, or drive past their house. They will wonder why they haven’t heard from you. This technique is especially good when you have allowed your needy feelings to take control, and these feelings have driven your partner away.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove