I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex

After a break up it is normal for us to spend most of our time thinking about our ex-lover. We will re-hash the past and what went wrong in our relationships.

We think about the good times and wonder how those good times turned into a break-up. Thinking about your ex too much is not healthy, as this will ultimately interfere with other important aspects of your life.

You Do Need To Grieve 

During the first few weeks after you have broken up, it is totally normal for your ex to be constantly on your mind. To not be thinking about him or her would be extremely unusual. This is the time when you are working through your negative emotions and grieving for the love you have lost. And this process is necessary for your survival.

However, if it has been a few months since the break-up, then it is extremely important that you try to switch off from thinking too much about your ex and relationship that went south. Of course, what I am saying is so much easier said that done. You need an outlet for your thoughts, such as a hobby. Some of us are lucky enough to have plenty of hobbies and activities that they get involved in on a regular basis. It’s time to become a busy bee, and get into your hobbies and interests again. Do you have interests that you are absolutely passionate about? I know that I do; my writing and my music are my great passions in life. This is exactly what you need, because when we are doing what we love the most, we feel great about ourselves.


Obsessing Is Detrimental To Your Recovery

Thinking and obsessing about our ex lover and your relationship too much can become an unhealthy exercise. Perhaps you have a very important job where you need your focus and concentration. One example is my partner – he is a nurse. He hates it when we fight as he is extremely upset and he cannot afford to overwhelmed by his thoughts and emotions as he need to concentrate on the people he looks after. You may be teacher or childcare worker, where you are responsible for other’s welfare. Any job that we do is important in the huge tapestry of life, however this is just one example where you need to be focused on your life and what you need to do each day.


Your Family And Kids Must Come First

Perhaps you are a mum or dad, and the most important thing in life you will ever do in life is raise your children. Your focus will need to be on your kids first and foremost, as they will be just as shattered by the break-up or divorce as you are and you need to tend to their needs. Children suffer most than we know as a result of separation and divorce and need you more than you know. Unfortunately given the amount of hurt and pain you are feeling, you may not see what is right under your nose. The positive of this scenario is you will have more time for your kids and this will indeed bond you together in a very special way. I know from my own experience with divorce that I could have done better for my daughter, she suffered a lot more than she will ever let on as a result of myself and her father separating and divorcing. However, she and I are very close and the best of friends, and the love we share is so unique and special and I treasure it.

Pay attention to your needs and honor them, you have the time to do that now. Your partner may be gone for the time being, but if you use this time wisely to pay look after number one; yourself, you will benefit greatly in the long run.

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Copyright © 2013 Janelle Coulton

The Power Of Apathy

The word apathy; without a dictionary it is quite hard to define. Disinterested is one word that could describe apathy. Apathy is basically about you looking after you and the people and things that you care about. In other words you cut your partner out of your list of priorities. If your relationship is in the final stages or your partner has already left and you want them back. Learning how to portray an apathetic attitude could be the answer you are looking for.


Becoming apathetic means that you are releasing your emotional and mental attachment to your partner, you let go of the outcome of any situation. You may not realize it now, but you can control your thoughts. You can control your way of thinking and you can definitely control your actions, and actions speak louder than words. Determination and patience to see this out is what you will learn. It is not easy to train yourself to become apathetic, because we cannot predict which emotions will arise in any situation, however apathy is a very powerful thing you can employ to win your ex back and we are all capable of choosing how we will react to our emotions.


With determination and willpower you can achieve anything you desire. We can achieve our goals. Giving up is not an option. It’s all so easy to give up. When you become apathetic, your lost mate will give up on running away. They will wonder what in the heck is going on. When your ex sees this change, this is what may spur them into coming back. They may not want to close that door yet.


Your ex will be expecting you to chase after them. They will be wondering why you are not trying to reconcile, or change their mind about leaving the relationship. If you are portraying an attitude of disinterest, your ex will be wondering what is up with you and they may chase after you to try and spur an emotional reaction. Therefore it is a good idea to release them from your emotions. Cut off all of those ties, and get on with your life. Do not email them, call them, or drive past their house. They will wonder why they haven’t heard from you. This technique is especially good when you have allowed your needy feelings to take control, and these feelings have driven your partner away.


Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton



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Objectivity After A Break-up

It is so very hard to be objective when we have had our heart broken. Your lover tells you the relationship is over and understandably you fall to pieces. How is it possible to be objective? This is not easy.

It is a fact that as human beings we love ourselves more than anyone or anything else. Looking out for number one is necessary to survive. Whilst in a relationship, you will naturally look out for the other person more than ourselves, you put your lover first. And given that the other partner in the relationship does the same, then you can enjoy a happy and positive existence together.

Once the relationship is over, you will immediately revert to looking after yourself. This behaviour is natural when we feel hurt and angry. We suffer rejection and sadness and many other emotions. This is why you will feel it is almost impossible to remain objective.

Having said that; if you are hoping to win back your lover it is very important to attempt to see things objectively. Showing respect for your partner’s decision, even if you do not agree with him or her is a big start. Your emotions and feelings may be turned upside down and inside out, however it is vital that you remain calm and think about the break up from both sides of the argument. If you find it impossible to be objective, then this will lead to you making many stupid mistakes. If your goal is to win your back your ex, then these mistakes will cost you dearly.

One idea you should try is to seek advice from someone you trust who can be objective. Tell this person you need their honesty and not to worry about hurting your feelings. People on the outside can see the situation a lot more clearly as they are emotionally tied to the situation.

Sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the pros and cons of your relationship. Write down what you feel your mistakes were and the other persons, and try to be as honest with yourself as you can. Every night before your go to bed, look deep into your soul and ask yourself what behaviours led to your partner ending the relationship. Focus on becoming more positive, and changing these behaviour so that you can begin to re-build your self-esteem and become a more positive person.

It is these above actions that will start the ball rolling to winning your lover back. Not to mention that you will also benefit by becoming a healthy, positive and happier person, someone that your ex will want to fall in love with all over again.



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Copyright ©2007 Janelle Coulton

Nice Girls Get Dumped, So Be A Little Bit Bad

Just like every other time I’ve written an article or an essay, this time is no different. I’m sitting here, trying to put words on the paper and taking it all too seriously. When I do this I know I am trying too hard and when I try too hard, I inevitably screw things up. You would think that the opposite would be true. Unfortunately as hard as we work at something, the pay off is sometimes not worth all the effort. Now that sounds shockingly negative and it's not meant to; but it's true, sometimes trying to hard can ruin things.

While this concept applies to my passion for writing, it also applies to women, dating and relationships. Nice, caring, nurturing women whose first priority is not themselves, but usually their man. We as women usually want to please everyone and we try to do so, only to fail miserably in the end. Why is it that so many seemingly nice women get dumped all the time? The answer is we are too damned nice. The quote “nice guys finish last" also applies to women.

If I had a dollar for every nice woman gets dumped story I have heard or seen first hand, I’d be rich as well as single, which wouldn’t be so bad. Seemingly theirs' and my only sin was that we as women were too nice, understanding, caring or whatever; you get the picture. It’s hard to believe that women can be kicked to the kerb for being too nice.

The thing is relationships are part of a woman’s identity, which is why we work so hard at them. We can’t help it. It is natural for us to do this. What is not so natural is to work at being just a little bit bad here. Now ladies, I am not advocating nastiness or bitchiness here, even though we would all agree that some men need a bloody good smack. What I am advocating is a lot more love towards ourselves and our own lives and a little game of hard to get. He doesn’t get to have all the goodies all at once. Most of these casualties happen within the first three months. This is where the ambivalence begins to fester inside a man. You can quite clearly see when a woman’s relationship with a man is on the rocks. She will call home to check her messages. She will break plans with family and friends just to see him. She will do most of the chasing. She will drive herself crazy with wonder about what he is doing and why he has not called.

All that a woman can do at this point is to stop. Stop calling, stop thinking about him, stop whining and make a date with someone new. If he is really that interested, he will come running and if you never see him again, good riddance girls, he’s not interested. He might want a little action late on a Friday night and may ask you to come over. Don’t do it. You are not on call for a roll in the hay whenever the mood takes him. You have much higher standards than that. I have seen relationships end like this after years of the couple being together. I, myself encountered a man’s ambivalent bullshit, only to be kicked to the kerb after two and a half years. He said that he was not sure anymore. Truthfully girls, it was my fault. I was too nice and I became the proverbial doormat. The signs were there but I ignored all of them in the name of love, sweet love. I was with a man who, one night was expressing his undying love and commitment to me and then the next day he is yelling “You don’t own me!" down the telephone line. That should have been my wake up call, as he was basically saying “I’m here for a good time, not a long time," or “I am a commitment phobic asshole."

In all fairness though and particularly to the man whom I am referring to, (he will know who he is should he ever read this) he really did love me and still does, however like most commitment phobic people, he could not deal with the intensity of my love for him (moral of that story, stay away from commitment-phobes). I was the nice girl you would take home to meet mummy, I got on well with his parents, I did all of that doormat behaviour, and I put up with the in-laws crap. Bottom line was, he was a commitment phobe and he did not want passionate sex with his mother and judging myself on my doormat behaviour I guess I became that image. In the final six months I began to wise up, fortunately for me, so did he. He decided that his commitment phobia was a terminal illness. So it was sayonara sweetie.

The biggest revelation was that I was too nice, I needed to love myself more, and I must realise that men love women who aren’t so nice to them. So my suggestion to all women is to become more involved with who you are and what you want in life. When we as women assert ourselves out there in the real world, many men see us as bitches, however this also turns a man on and eventually they fall in love with the whole, she isn’t so wrapped up in me, she takes care of herself. They’ll get a hard on just thinking about how interested and focused you are on your own life. Act like an agreeable doormat, and he’ll be gone. Men love the chase, the cat and mouse game that we hate. They invented it, it turns them on. Why deprive them, it would be quite selfish of us not to indulge our man in something he loves so much.

Relationships, dating, commitment and marriage are a pretty serious business and dating with the intention of finding Mr Right can be a mixed bag of emotional bullshit. However, it is the seriousness of it all that leads to women trying too hard. At the beginning of this essay I spoke about trying too hard, and screwing it all up. I think we should all lighten up and approach this dating/relationship stuff with a sense of humour. Most importantly remember people always want what they can’t have, it’s human nature and that goes for both women and men so let the games begin.




Endnote: I wrote this when I was pretty hurt and emotional and my attempt was to make it comical, I would love some feedback. Chat with me on Twitter or Facebook or have your say in the comments box.

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Copyright 2006 Janelle Coulton